The Day OCD Told Me My Medication Was Cursed
Because I have a subtype of OCD known as magical thinking OCD, I often feel compelled to ritualize through images, phrases, words, and other triggers before I can begin almost anything. Whether it's choosing what food to eat, taking medication, selecting a doctor, or even deciding which hospital to visit, OCD tries to insert itself into every decision.
Everything seemed to be going well. I had decided I could go to a particular hospital, see a specific doctor, and begin a new medication. Then, as I sat outside waiting for my taxi after the appointment, OCD struck.
My brain suddenly told me I had missed an image. According to OCD, that image meant I was no longer allowed to take the medication. If I did, it would be "cursed."
Of course, I know curses do not exist. But when you have magical thinking OCD, the fear feels just as real as a car speeding toward you at 100 miles per hour. The emotional response is genuine, even when you know the belief itself makes no logical sense.
At first, I decided I wasn't going to take the medication. Later that night, however, OCD changed the rules again and told me I could take it. The problem was that it still felt wrong because I had not followed the original ritual. According to OCD, the medication was still cursed.
I took it anyway.
Looking back, that decision turned into an unexpected exposure exercise. Like many people, when I first started the medication, I experienced a temporary period where I cared much less about what OCD was telling me. Even though OCD insisted every day that the medication was cursed, I continued taking it.
Eventually, that initial feeling wore off and OCD became louder again. However, by then I had already established a new routine. My brain had begun adapting to taking the medication every day, and the fear gradually lost some of its power.
One reason I wanted to share this experience is because OCD can sometimes interfere with medical care. For some people, it isn't limited to psychiatric treatment. OCD may tell them they cannot see a particular doctor, visit a certain hospital, undergo a medical procedure, or take a prescribed medication.
I have personally experienced this many times. OCD has attempted to dictate which hospitals I could visit, which doctors I could see, and what treatments I was allowed to accept. On more than one occasion, it delayed me from seeking healthcare for conditions completely unrelated to OCD.
This is one reason OCD can be dangerous. While OCD claims it is trying to protect you, it often does the exact opposite. It tells you to avoid things that would help you and pushes you toward decisions that create more suffering.
Sometimes OCD feels like a separate person living inside my head. It constantly claims to know what is best for me, yet it repeatedly steers me away from what is actually helpful. How many times has OCD convinced me to throw away something valuable because it was supposedly contaminated or cursed? How many opportunities has it taken away because I listened to its rules?
The reality is that OCD lies.
Fortunately, exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy has helped me challenge many of these fears. More recently, OCD tried to prevent me from taking another psychiatric medication, Abilify. This time, however, I recognized what was happening. I took the medication as prescribed and refused to follow OCD's rules.
That may sound like a small victory, but for someone with magical thinking OCD, it can be a significant step forward.
If you also struggle with magical thinking OCD or metaphysical contamination fears, know that you are not alone. Feel free to reach out and share your experience. These themes can feel isolating, but many others are fighting the same battle every day.