The Property Line Ritual That Controlled My Life
For about 26 years, I have had problems crossing property lines. It is still something I deal with almost every night, although not as badly as before.
Let me explain what I mean.
When I cross a property line, my OCD tells me I have to do it the “right” way. That can involve hundreds of images, phrases, words, and mental rules. At times, it has felt like 450 to 500 different things had to line up correctly in my mind before I could cross.
Some of the rules are almost impossible. My OCD might say an image cannot have clouds in it, or that the night sky has to be a perfect black color. But nobody can think of a perfect black sky. The rules keep changing, and they often make no real sense. Still, in the moment, they feel powerful.
Years ago, I used to leave the property around ten times a day to redo the ritual. Now I have reduced it to about one or two times. That is still not where I want to be, but it is progress.
The fear behind the ritual is hard to explain to someone who does not have OCD. My brain tells me that if I do not cross the property line correctly, then everything I do after crossing it will be “cursed.” That might include the clothes I put on, the things I wash, the things I touch, the things I see, or even the people I interact with.
I know how strange that sounds. In some ways, even I can find it almost amusing when I step back and look at it. But when OCD is active, the feeling is very real. The fear feels real. The pressure feels real. The urge to fix it feels real.
This is part of what makes OCD so difficult. You can know something does not make logical sense and still feel trapped by it.
When OCD Shows Up in Public
One of the hardest parts of this ritual is that it can happen anywhere. It is not only property lines. I have also had problems with city lines, county lines, and country borders. My OCD seems to attach itself to boundaries in general.
That means the ritual can draw attention.
There were times when I crossed borders or property lines in public and knew I probably looked strange to other people. I have even had this happen at the U.S. border. I knew how it looked, but the fear was strong enough that I still felt like I had to do it.
One of the most painful examples happened when my wife was in labor at the hospital. Before I could touch my baby for the first time, I felt like I had to leave the hospital, cross the property line, and come back. That is how serious OCD can become. It can show up during some of the most important moments of your life and demand attention.
That is not because I wanted to do it. It is because OCD made it feel urgent.
The Elevator Ritual
Recently, I lived in an apartment building, and I am sure security wondered why I kept going up and down the elevator at night.
To them, it probably looked confusing. Why would a man go down, cross a line, come back up, and sometimes repeat it again?
But inside my mind, there was a whole ritual happening. I needed to cross the property line and return in a way that felt “correct.” If I got the ritual wrong, I felt like I had to redo it.
That is the exhausting part. OCD does not just ask once. It asks again and again. It tells you that you almost got it right, but not quite. Then it demands another attempt.
What Has Helped Me
I have practiced ERP for this for a long time. ERP, or exposure and response prevention, means facing the fear without doing the compulsion. It is simple to explain, but extremely hard to practice.
For me, ERP has helped, but medication has also helped reduce the intensity. A medication like Abilify has helped lower the need to do compulsions by affecting dopamine activity. I am not giving medical advice, and medication decisions should always be made with a doctor, but I want to be honest about what has helped me.
The biggest improvement is that I no longer repeat the ritual as much as I used to. Going from around ten times a day to one or two times is not perfect, but it matters. Progress with OCD is not always dramatic. Sometimes progress means doing the ritual less. Sometimes it means delaying it. Sometimes it means resisting one small part of it.
That still counts.
Does Anyone Else Deal With This?
I am sharing this because I wonder if anyone else has a similar problem with property lines, borders, doorways, elevators, rooms, or other boundaries.
OCD can attach itself to almost anything. For me, property lines became one of its main targets. For someone else, it may be doors, light switches, clothing, numbers, roads, bathrooms, or certain words.
The details may be different, but the cycle is often the same: fear, pressure, ritual, temporary relief, and then the fear comes back again.
I know how to work on it, but knowing what to do does not mean it becomes easy. ERP takes time, repetition, and a lot of practice. Some days are better than others.
Still, I am glad I have reduced the number of trips over the property line. I am still working on it, and I am doing better than I was before.
If you deal with something like this, you are not alone. OCD can create some very unusual symptoms, but that does not make you ridiculous. It means you are dealing with a disorder that can be incredibly creative, convincing, and exhausting.
This is only one of many symptoms of my OCD, but it is one that has affected my life for decades. I will keep working on it, and I hope others keep working on their own symptoms too.
Let’s keep going.