Work Life and Having OCD
Although OCD ultimately brought my career to an end in 2022 and led to me receiving disability benefits, I still look back and feel proud of what I accomplished while living with severe OCD.
I was fortunate to work with people who were understanding and accepting of my condition. Even so, there came a point when I could no longer ignore how much OCD was interfering with my ability to do my job. Eventually, I realized I could not continue allowing my coworkers to carry extra responsibilities because of my avoidance behaviors.
The Morning Rituals Before Work
Looking back, I believe my OCD is even more severe today than it was when I left my job. However, it was already severe enough at the time that I qualified for SSDI.
Every morning began the same way. Before I could even leave the house, I had to perform countless rituals. I would touch different pieces of clothing while searching for the "right" thoughts, images, or feelings. Sometimes getting dressed took minutes. Other times it took hours.
There were mornings when I was physically exhausted and frustrated, yet I still felt unable to move forward because my OCD insisted something was not right.
Once dressed, the next challenge was leaving the house. Crossing my property line involved its own rituals. Sometimes I would drive back and forth over the boundary multiple times until I felt I had completed the ritual correctly.
My commute was no different. Because I worked in another city, crossing the city limits often triggered another round of rituals. I would sometimes drive back and forth across the city line trying to satisfy OCD's demands. On one occasion, my behavior attracted the attention of a police officer who followed me because it appeared suspicious. Looking back, I completely understood why.
OCD at Work
Getting to work did not mean the rituals stopped. I still had to cross the property line of the workplace and enter the building in a way that satisfied OCD.
Each morning our team would review work orders and assignments for the day. Unfortunately, OCD often influenced which tasks I was willing to take.
There were certain locations I avoided because OCD considered them dangerous, contaminated, cursed, or otherwise off-limits. As a result, coworkers sometimes had to take assignments I should have been handling myself.
If I had an important event later that day, OCD would become even more restrictive. I would avoid tasks that might expose me to triggers because I feared contaminating whatever was important to me later. Looking back, I can see how much control OCD had over my decision-making.
A Supportive Team
What makes leaving my career difficult is that I truly had an amazing team.
Over the years, I completed major projects, solved difficult technical problems, and contributed to work that generated significant value for the company. I am proud of many of the accomplishments I achieved during my career.
When my OCD became worse, my team remained supportive. They did not want me to leave. They were willing to continue working around my limitations.
But after seven years, I reached a point where I could not honestly justify staying. Too much responsibility had shifted onto others. My coworkers were carrying burdens that should have been mine.
That realization was one of the hardest parts of stepping away.
The End of My Career
Near the end of my career, I finally began ERP therapy and started taking medication. Both helped tremendously. For the first time, I felt like I had tools capable of fighting back against OCD.
Unfortunately, I experienced a major relapse that changed everything. Eventually, I made the decision to leave my career behind and move from the United States to Vietnam.
It was not the ending I imagined for myself, but it was the reality I was facing at the time.
The Lesson OCD Taught Me
One thing OCD has taught me is that themes can change at any time. You may overcome one fear only to find another waiting around the corner.
That does not mean recovery is impossible. It simply means OCD is a chronic condition that requires ongoing management through ERP, medication, and consistent effort.
OCD can write thousands of frightening stories. It can convince you that disaster is waiting around every corner.
But after all these years, I have learned something important.
The themes may change, but the author is always the same.
And once you learn to recognize the author, it becomes much harder for OCD to fool you.